Dear President Obama:

I am planning to move to Mexico and would like to ask for your help with for a few favors from Mexico’s President Calderon.
 
I’m going to walk across the border from the Arizona into Northern Mexico. My plan is to skip the visas, passports, immigration quotas, laws and all the legal stuff with the hope that they handle those things the same way you do here.

Would you please make the following arrangements with your new friend President Calderon:

1. Be sure to arrange free medical care for me and my entire family.

2. Provide English-speaking government bureaucrats for all of the services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Have all government forms I may need printed in English.

4. Arrange for my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers in public schools.

5. Be sure the public schools include classes on American culture and history.

6. Be sure that my kids see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school.

7. Arrange for my kids to have both breakfast and lunch provided for them at school.

8. Make sure I can get a local Mexican driver’s license so I can vote and get easy access to government services.

9. Be prepared to write off billions in un-billable costs for people like me who do not plan to have any car insurance either, and won’t make any effort to learn local traffic laws etc.

10. Make sure that all police cars have at least one English as a first language officer on board.

11. Because I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th, please be sure I do not hear any complaints or negative comments from the locals. In fact no Mexican kids should wear Mexican flags on their clothing on the 4th of July, in our honor, at public schools or we will not be able to rule out violence.

12. As I plan to pay no taxes, be sure they don’t enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me or any member of my family, or about the strain we may place on the economy.

This should be a simple request as you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won’t mind returning the favor.

Thank you so much for your kind help.